September 10, 2013
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Bitter
As some of you may know I didn’t have a great teen hood. I won’t go into details today but it was not great. I love my family and my friends but I sometimes still feel really alone. Sometimes that alone ness translates into bitterness and I hate that. I try to learn from my child hood and move on and be a good person but sometimes I just feel like no matter what I do it won’t be good enough. This causes me to lash out at whomever may be talking to me at the time. This time it was my sister, which is so wrong because my sister always tries to help me out and be there for me and I repay her with my shitty attitude. I guess I am bitter because both of my siblings were able to have a “normal” childhood and got to finish school and then go on to post secondary education and then into decent careers. While I have not.
I didn’t go to college and I had to leave high school because I had to get my own place and work to pay the bills, I did eventually get my GED and also enrolled in an admin assistant course online but it sits unfinished like most things in my life. It seems that while I may be very bright I have the attention span of my 14 month old daughter. It just isn’t there, I can’t just do one thing at a time and I get bored easily. Nothing seems to challenge me enough to want to finish or succeed. I love learning and would love to go back to a real school and take a class that I would enjoy but now life has gotten in the way…. ahh life.
Not to mention a plague of health issues that I truly try to grin and bear but generally end up wincing. Now I only work part time at one job and my husband likes that and wants me to be able to raise our child but everyday it’s made apparent that regardless of what we want and no matter how much the pain I will have to find another job and make my way through for as long as I possibly can before I end up laid up like last time or worse. I just want to live in a shack in the woods far away some days..
