bah it just seems things will never go right.  This is day two of me sleeping on the couch. Will didnt even bother talking to me or see whats wrong with me considering I slept from the time i got home until well after midnight.  He woke me up long enough to set food on my stomach and leave. I cant see this working out at all... I think everyone is right need to move on cuz its only going to get worse.  And its only making it worse when my ex who had to take anger management says he sees a behaviour trend in Will that doesnt look good.  He constantly holds things over my head and I think he just doesnt want to be the dumpee... he wants to do the dumping on his terms...just what I get from it anyway...

Been reminicising about old times and how last year was so much fun when Trick was around and we always were doing something or just hanging out,  sometimes I wish we could go back to those days... I sent him an email today telling him i missed him and he needs to keep in touch.

I'm gonna get in contact with my landlord and see about renting the 2 bedroom across the way its only $25 more a month and Jules said she would be my roomie.... On the upside I have an interview with timmies on monday downside it had to be moved because it was on thursday but Kim from work lost her baby and I need to go to the funeral.  Anyway maybe I'll update again later...

later dayz Brandi

A lack of appreciation has got me steaming again.  Some days I really have to wonder why I ever wanted  bf.  Since he has moved in all I have done is clean constantly it seems and yet it seems like I get nowhere.

Seems like it's expected I should always say thank you and appreciate anything he does and yet does he ever say thanks or notice how hard I have to work to keep this place even half assed clean.  Not to mention going out of my way to find swomething for his toothache while he sits there and watches me but what the hell does he say thanks hun..... half the time he doesnt even acknowledge my existence until well after he gets up does not talk and seems pissy. 

I am truly on the verge of losing it I just want to scream at the top of my lungs until no more sound comes out.

Well I think no matter what after I see doctor Reynolds I am either going back to work at TP or maybe to timmies. Just chillin at home cleaning place is looking normal again, though William and I do seem to have a storage problem lol.... sucks we both have a lot of clothes. Things are going well just a little frustrating at times.  Can't go much longer without money...  starting to bug me and it bugs Will when I say I'm poor.... plus gotta catch up on rent.  Theres a 2 bedroom available in our building I would love to get but probably wont I think we should just stay here and save all the money we can so we can eventually get a house if all goes well.... which I am hoping it will. Lol I got proposed to over my ability to cook a roast and I believe my taste in shoes? always interesting  So I need to make money somehow.... blah anyway I derailed my train of thought

lovers Brandi

Well its 3 am I got home about 11pm yesterday and since getting home I have been insanely cleaning house and rearranging.   Things are ultimately looking up. I'm still broke but I wont be forever. Will and I are doing fantabulous was just a minor misunderstanding. We basically picked up where we left off.... and too most it would seem we are moving quick but William and I both agree that there is something between us and it is much different then either of us have experienced and have not experienced with anyone since.  As it stands William is moving to Belleville with me and I couldnt be happier about it.  I'm a little aprehensive but I'll live.  So the cleaning spree has been to get ready for that cuz I dont want his mom to see my place a mess...  I chopped my hair off..... gonna clip the back.... and the root canal went smoothly did not feel a thing which is always great. I have to go back in a week and have a permanent filling put in.   My ex Dave is taking it pretty well now though when he first found out was quite upset but I tried hard to be with him and gave him many chances.  I have so much left to do it seems.... bah.....

So I have been off work for about a month now... I'm broke still no Ei, have rent to pay and my man problems are unbelievable.  Oh and on top of being off for migraines i ended up getting a huge absys on the roof of my mouth and on tuesday I have a root canal.  So I'm down home in des and I have this incredible urge to talk to my ex William, so I send him a message on facebook and we get to talking, seems neither of us is quite sure why we broke up after continuing to talk for a couple weeks we have decided to hook up and probably get back together, now will works full time for a security company so I have been patiently waiting for today so that i could see him and nothing works out so he couldnt make it down tonight and then my long time friends jay and maybn have now decided after over 10 years of me being there for them and telling them nothing but the truth that they cant trust me so they are ending our friendship and i hate it I'd never lie and whatever they tell me to keep secret i do as I do with all my friends.  I'm not a saint but i will admit when im wrong or have done something wrong and try to make it right.  It tires me out I get involved inadvertently in drama that i have no wish to be a part of but even though not being friends would solve alot of that these people are like my family and its hard to think that they would make me choose because the whole story is im hanging out with amanda another friend of mine whom jay had a relationship with and now it seems that they want me to choose and are saying i was prank calling them and shit which i would never do i think i did it once when i was 10 and it was so immature even then that I have never done it since like whats the point. plus its long distance and im at my grandparents like duh... and im so worried about will and i like i just wanna be with him and be happy but i dunno if we can be but i guess ill only know if i try...again... i dunno weird vent i have more but too lazy to type....

lovers Brandi

So I have totally been neglecting this blog. I have loads of time but  I don't care to spend it on the computer. But I was sitting here eating my spongebob pasta that I had to fight to open since my can opener has decided it hates me. Thank god for big pointy knives lol... I'm not overly hungry but I spent a large portion of my day fighting a migraine and figure I need to eat anything at this point.  My poor ex I don't think he quite knew what to do when I was at his place.  I went and laid on his bed and hoped it would pass and it just got worse to the point I was crying and prob damn near hyper ventilating because I havent had a migraine that bad in some time.  He knew I wasn't feeling too hot and then he heard me sobbing, I'm very glad he was there he came in and cuddled me and told me I need to calm down because I was just getting my blood pressure up and it was going to make it worse.  With the cuddles and the soothing talk I eventually startedto calm down. He made some hot dogs to eat I'm not big on them but I choked one down and then he got a call to go to work, and it was crazy pouring out. So we got in the car and I think he was still a bit worried because he took me on a couple deliveries with him and kept asking if I was ok and if it was getting better. It got pretty much better was still making me cry a bit so he brought me home and I crashed out til about 7ish.  So I have been trying to entertain myself until hopefully he messages me and I can go over to his place again and sleep.  Yes I could sleep at home but I don't like sleeping alone. He's the same way most nights after work I end up at his place to cuddle and sleep.  I have like no clean clothes and really no motivation to do any laundry so might wear jeans to work tomorrow.  I'm so frustrated with my doctor right now.  The ex took me to my doctors appointment on thursday and after my allergic reation my doctor has decided to not prescribe anything else for my arthritis because I'm trending towards being allergic to all non steroidal anti inflammatories so he told me that since I can take Advil and ibuprofen thats what he suggests I take meanwhile advil and ibuprofen have not worked for my arthritis for like 6 years or more. And on thursday on the way home in the car I couldnt even sit on my left side had to hold myself out of the seat and was crying, poor ex didnt know what to do, eventually I changed to pants and within the hour most of the pain was gone. I stayed at his place too while I was having the allergic reation from hell. went two days without a reaction so thought I would get a good nights sleep... nope about 2 or 3 am i woke up itching and hot and got so frustrated was crying and ex covered me up with a sheet and told me i needed to relax that I was probably fevering up again and tried to comfort me but I took my meds and it wouldnt stop itching and I was so overheated I eventually got up and went home because I didnt want to keep him up and was so frustrated was crying, so came home and showered and crashed in front of my fan and thats where I stayed most of the day because I couldnt get dressed because it felt like I had rolled in insulation. Eventually it got better and my ex was more upset that I left then stayed and kept him up. so stayed at his place that night and had a fairly decent sleep.

At one point shortly after my birthday I tried to call things totally off with my ex because I was geting to attached boy was I in for a surprise he told me that he loved me and he didnt want it to end, he's still just not ready to commit because he needs to get his life straight and get a job etc etc.... so needless to sat i was shocked but actually rather happy, I know my ex wasnt always the greatest to me but things have rather changed and kind of evolved we talk easier now and he knows not to just fly off the handle at me and Im the same. so anyway my pasta is sitting here getting cold because its not what I really wanted..... meh time for a shower

later Dayz

lovers Brandi

Definition for ya

spite·ful

---

[Origin: 1400–50; late ME; see spite, -ful]

—Related forms

spite·ful·ly, adverb

spite·ful·ness, noun

—Synonyms vengeful, mean, cruel, rancorous. Spiteful, revengeful, vindictive refer to a desire to inflict a wrong or injury on someone, usually in return for one received. Spiteful implies a mean or malicious desire for (often petty) revenge: a spiteful attitude toward a former friend. Revengeful implies a deep, powerful, and continued intent to repay a wrong: a fierce and revengeful spirit. Vindictive does not imply action necessarily, but stresses the unforgiving nature of the avenger: a vindictive look.

 

I'm pretty sure that when used in proper context this could indicate my own attitude towards some people some times.  However I am fairly sure that when my ex called me a spiteful bitch this morning because I askd him to pay me back the money he owes me, it was used out of context.  I only asked if he had money for me, no intent to do harm or other wise showing any cruelty. 

And when he said it would leave him totally broke without food,  I turned around and said it's ok I don't want you to do without. He then said he could pay me half today and half tomorrow, again I reiterated that if it left him hard up not to worry, I would be happy if he gave me even $20 of what he owes me almost as a show of good faith..... Spiteful I think not.

Spiteful would have been to let him suffer from the begginning for not knowing how to manage his cash flow.  Spiteful would have been to cause all hell yesterday when I seen him driving around with his other ex yesterday by waving and maybe blowing kisses...... which I did not, however I cannot say that this thought didn't cross my mind.... lol yes yesterday I had  a mean day to those that have done me some wrong.  I can think of a million ways to be spiteful because yes I can be no I'm usually not... but give me due cause and you better watch your ass because spite is dangerous and revenge is a dish best served cold.....

 

 

Lovers Brandi

woot so had company on the tour to work today jk and frenchy came along. Peachy keen. checked out the new sculptures kind of disappointed jk and i didnt get to see the ones on the corner of front and pinnacle.   So was almost late but got there just in time.  Frenchy was messaging me... told him I would have  dinner with him....hmm we shall see how that goes....  interesting non the less. better make me something good im famished.....  Unc called hes coming down to do some more repairs tomorrow  nifty. noone online to talk to weird lol. wonder how jks day was.... oh and i bought new shoes today  nd a new frying pan woot.... shoes were only 5 bucks bwahahaha

 So  a friend of mine has been trying to get me to go to the Bohemian for a show for awhile... So I decided what the hell I'll go... hell if I have to I'll go it alone... So was talking to JK and got telling her about it... had a feeling this wasn't a show she has been to before but she offered to go. Sweet lol.  So got ready and headed over to pick JK up and proceed downtown.. Texting D trying to talk him into going... but to no avail... he then throws out an interesting tidbit my buddy Frenchy is at his place... wow havent seen that kid for like 5 years. But the way D put it Frenchy is here and looking to please..... wth? lol dude your crazy.  he also states that JK and I should come visit after the show and that Frenchy is heading to the boho.... that would have been like old times since Frenchy and I have been to many punk shows in our day.

So JK and I proceed to walk by coppafeels and who should we see but the hottie from the other night.... hehehehe .  So head on down to grab fundage.  then ohhhhh pretty ice sculptures out front of work.... I cant resist I have to sit on the pig sculpture and JK proceeds to snap a couple pics...that should be funny. head towards D's since  we arent entirely sure where to enter the boho... d's not home dammit...head back down and snap a pic of JK side saddle on the pig lmao... down towards the boho meet up with another chick whos looking to go in it seems she knows a few peeps... cool beans so we head in and I see a guy I used to work with at stream funny stuff.... I have a feeling he didnt recognize me. oh well so me and JK went in and held up the wall for a bit then Cold blooded hit the stage and kept tripping the breaker.... didnt mind the lead singers looks either lol.. and he sure know how to get the crowd going... and JK is right he has an interesting voice... so We watched their whole set and grove a bit but I'm making sure JK doesnt get flattened by anyone.  We proceed to say goodbye to JK's friend whom I was introduced to earlier in the evening and apparently I'm the devil? yes thats what my mommy says too lol.

So unto the next portion of the evening we go out to seewhats happening at coppafeels when this guy walks by and he give JK's bag a swat and says something and I just wanted to deck him and I was just like easy tex....fuckin dink....argh ... so much for the show getting out that pent up aggression... another time lol.... so not a damn thing happening at coppafeels. ask JK if she still wants to go in... nope not really so I message D and advise him we are heading his way and that JK has allergies so be prepared.  So we tour there stopping at the store first.  All the while making JK doesnt fall on her ass... but the ice was bad.  but make it there without major incident.  Wait forever for D to get off his ass to let us in... hehehe D's like wow she is small.... told you... hes like smaller than you wow.... JK and i both are like shes not short lol... damn guy but awwww i  can rest easy for a bit cuz all the guys love to tease and its JK's night to be picked on ...sorry hun lol.... So it goes well stu was nice turned on a fan and D went upstairs to smoke but stu forgot when we went to leave and poor JK had a breathin fit.... poor stu I think I made him feel like crap.... oops. but it was fun playing need for speed and was kickin frenchies ass so what does d do but reach over and hold my finger on the brake and I couldnt get it off so I bit him and he let go .... i still won... then we hand a controller to JK and attempt to explain how to play.... omg never laughed so hard in my life.....we all had a blast. So we decide to head on over to Frenchies. he doesnt live far from me.. crazy

I have this feeling that there is some unspoken thing going on between d and Frenchy... because at stus D got up and moved so french got up and moved next to me...then we get to his place and D and stu take the chairs which leaves me Frenchy and JK to sit on the couch...argh... ok all fine and dandy kinda talking to frenchy and laughing about old times like swimming in his pool in only a bra and undies cuz i didnt have a suit and punk shows like the one where i had to save my friend brandon from getting arrested by kissing him.... dear god lol those were the days....

So we watched mindfreak and i feel a tickle on my leg ... so i move it.... swatting D every couple minutes for pickin on me and then him and i fighting cuz he triued to stick his toe up my nose. lol then what do ya know Theres an arm around me? where the hell did that come from... oh and I'm trying to make the wtf face at dan but he's deliberately ignoring me...prick... so JK is damn near passed out im pretty beat so we all decide to head it out... Frenchy right behind me gives me his number....pretty sure he also wanted a hug and stuff from his body language and the proximity of him I avoid by tying my boots and making sure JK has everything... get out of there without feeling like a total bitch.... hop in the car JK pretty much already asleep on my shoulder so we take her home first. then Stu got all lost and missed my place so then we get there and hes like did you even want to go home... meh .... alright so off we tour for a little jaunt then back to the guys place.  Proceed to chill at stus then D and stu can see im getting tired so up to D's place.. start to wake up then he starts playing golf dear god. lol...start falling asleep...poke gah wtf .... move over... fine.  woke up again.... finally he turns the golf off and guess what I wake up lmao.  so then kinda had poke wars lmao... have a smoke and then off to bed by this time it had to be about 5 or 6..... so keep waking up from about noon on. hope D gets up soon its like an oven in there.... gah. finally gets up weeeeeeeee. Bathroom run. fix hair and stuff... get prepared to walk home.... no sunglasses dammit... mention it to d he lends me a pair sweet... so off I tour downtown grab a couple drinks and wander home... and here i sit lol....

Had a blast at "Copafeels", and now i can actually call it that since I was groped before I even made it past the bouncer....Funny stuff.  Going to work today on like I dunno four and a half 5 hours sleep.  we shall see how i fair.  Was gonna go down home this weekend but methinks I shall stay home. told D he's coming to fix the comp and have drinks on me.... and notified R that he should come see the new place and I dont need him to move the couch. hahah my eyes are watering....D said should invite some friends so im thinking on that maybe J,J and S...... ill write  more later

So its later. home from work. rough day for many reasons but i'll not disclose them on here. Not that it matters much what I say anymore. I know in some situations its wrong. But I can't take back the things I have said or done all I can do is say I realize I was wrong and ask for forgiveness. The rest is not up to me.

D and S came by to bring me my new dvd drive and install it and attempt to get my vid card working. No luck the new drive is fine but the  vid card hates me.  So D and S took it with them to test in one of their systems and see what is going on.  Well at least my onboard still works.  Can't complain..... D says he'll message me lates cool beans might need to get my drink on and have some good company.

Feeling alone alot lately but oh well my own fault. Havent made too many new friends and seems I have pissed off some that I did make and were some of the only people I had during this new thing hence why I feel alone..... bleh gotta shake it off I can only do so much.... but it will always bug me.

Im gonna go throw myself into my cleaning i think or something... and drink alone ...that should be fun