So yes I realize you will be reading this backwards but what can I do lol.  Anyway so Friday. It's my grampy's birthday.  Ash and the kids headed off to nans house and I finally got my ass out of bed and R got up too.  So made us some coffee, showered got dressed and headed out.  Dropped R off at his house and told him I would call him after. Down to nans I go snow is terrible and the only option is to walk in the tire tracks on the road. So get to nans. After awhile I realize that R's little sister T is there...duh! So things start to wind down a bit after the food and cake and stuff so I call R and get E and he tells me to give a ring back in a few.  So after a bit I do and ask R to come on down and laughingly tell him I didnt recognize his sis.

T and the other kids take off, R and E show up and we play some more guitar Hero and laugh at how bad I am, and how its funny that R and E both fuck up songs in the same spot.  So after awhile E takes off.  R and I decide to visit a few with the grandparents and have a coffee.  Then I have to go to the store to grab a toothbrush I am going crazy then back to R's place to play GH and watch a movie.

So we all play GH and eventually R and I are left in the living room so we put a movie and again I'm hesitant to use him as a pillow but get there eventually. lol kept dozing off so Eventually we lay down R with his head on my side and arms hugging my legs and rubbing my leg, puts me out like a light. Get woke up in the morn by R's little guy. So proceed to talk with him in the morning and keep putting off going for a shower.

Ok so let's start with Thursday.  Woke up to an almost regular routine of making coffee and then talking to R.  Told him I was trying to get down home did he know anyone. He said his mom. But wouldnt call or ask her for me. And I didnt feel right since I could barely remember her, its been years since I seen his family. So instead I went to work and sent an email off to the floor and W replied.  Earlied out... wanted to make sure I could get down home before the storm, so I could finish whatever needed doing.

W had to make a few stops, I didn't bring anything with me except myself and whatever I brought to work.  I could wing it, I usually leave a set of clothes at one of my relatives houses. So I warned my cuz I would be stealing clothes and what not. Cool beans.  So off we go to blockbuster to pick up lake placid 2...sucks btw. W didnt have her card and couldnt find her ID so I got one issued and we had a good laugh over that. Especially since when we got in the truck there was her drivers license. So then stopped to pick up T's b-day cake.  Talked and joked the whole way home.  Seems W didn't understand how I got along so well with R. So I then elaborated the sense of humour and opinions and shes like awww ya now I see why.... we are too much alike lmao.

W dropped me off at my cuz's place which is like spitting distance from W's place. So I get in the door and promptly call W's house for R anyway. See if he wanted to do something.  Met him at the corner, Came back to ashes and we all played guitar hero for hours. Eventually everyone went to bed so R and I watched I think its the Game plan....The rocks movie where he finds out hes a dad... good movie loved it.

I eventually used R as a pillow as I do with alot of peeps depends on who they are and how long I have known them. But I was a wee bit shy to do so with R. Yeah I'm a dumbass lol. Anyway we both kinda started dozing. So I told him if he wanted to go I would move I wasnt holding him hostage lol. He said he knew that so we talked for awhile just about whatever came to mind.  As it got later I became more aware of the time and I don't like to have people over without first telling my cuz.  But it got to be really late and I was like why dont you take one end and I'll take the other of the couch.  Lol to which he replied I'm pretty sure I don't bite. 

Eventually we decided to climb into my actual bed. He slept on one side nowhere near me and let me have the blanket and the pillow and I slept closest the wall.  And thats how we remained all night.  Til the girls woke us up knocking on the door then it was constantly up and down for me getting them stuff as ash got them ready to go to nan and gramps. R had a good laugh at me

Well it's been busy, Sorry Summer dear been busy, and still waiting for the floors to be done... rawrness anyway I dont have much time. I shall blog some more this eve i would imagine unless ryan actually decides to come in with gary and dan, but somehow i doubt it im gonna have to kick his ass....get my hopes all up and then noit come visit lol whatever as long as i get to kick his ass... good eventful weekend will make for a long blog....amybe ill break it into parts...anyway painting to do

Meh I couldn't think of an accurate title, not that they ever are since im all random and stuff.

I really Like my new piece of writing, kinda sucks it seems to be like a movie.... meh twas just random thoughts I put to paper after that one blog entry. And one of the only things I have written in many years.  I think I have one other thats not done and probably will never be... it happens, my writing only seems to progress if I'm going through a difficult time, fueled by sadness or anger.  I try and keep those things in check these days. I just don't know anymore. Guys confuse me, I can't comprehend many of the things they do.  Like know what they do to me and just continue on even though they are supposed to be my friend... Would I do that to them... no, but then again they probably don't believe any of what I say anyway.  I guess thats why I find it so hard to even think of carrying on with more than one person... been hurt too many times by similar situations, mind you this particular guy thinks its ok because he's not "dating" anyone. Apparently I'm missing something. Yes I guess its ok if everyone knows about the other and its mutually ok. But I guess I consent by my silence on the topic? must be. Even though I'm pretty sure I've made some noise about the situation... must be because even though it hurts me I still go back.... yes I'm just randomly writing what comes to mind. 

So I guess I'm back to the original opinion of guys really don't give a fuck about anyone or their feelings as long as they are getting a piece of ass. And I know some of the guys I know and talk to would be freaking at me for that comment but too bad... except maybe R he would likely agree with some of what I have said.  But thats a whole other issue, thats what happens when you know a guy for 18 years or so.  At least we are brutally honest with each other, and sadly I think if it ever came down to it, it just may work lol.  Haha wonder if he can stick by his 3 month no sex rule.... if that happens lmao.  Been telling him he's coming to visit, maybe go to the bar so I can grab his ass lol.... yes inside joke I guess, mind you I actually do it. Do it to DB too but hey you stick it out there too bad its fair game lol especially if your a dumbass and stick it in my face lol.

Lol see JK I just tell my old friends I don't ask... it may seem mean but it works lol. and according to R I'm not that bad for being a bitch....dammit I'll show him...

Bwah so things are starting to pick up, I'm not reliant to hang with just the couple people I know in Belleville.

Aunty, Kim annd I are having girls night soon that should be hilarious.  Jamie and Stacey wanna hang out again soon, Steveo too yay. And I was just talking to Jaime and she wants to hang out for  her birthday bwah that will be hilarious. Ha and D and I may end up at the Bohemian next friday we shall see.

Prospects for potential relationships are also seeming to pick up again I've been asked out like 4 times, but I gracefully declined, as one I dont really know and two I have known some time and just dont have those feelings for.  And another we used to have a thing but when he couldn't change and commit I broke it off and have only been friends with him, he's one of the lucky ones most I just say screw you move on and cut them totally out of my life. But I am finding it hard to talk to him now because it's like no you know what I waited around for you and I've moved on I'm not going back.  And of course the person I want to be with is blind to everything by choice he might go the way of others and be cut out. I tried before and failed but that could change if I'm determined enough he'll be the same. because whats the point. Just like I know he seen my poem and I'm pretty sure he knows its about him, but its a big joke to him.  I guess that just truly shows his thoughts on me I'm just a big joke, I have a few more crass things I could say but I think they are a wee bit explicit for public display.

Think R is gonna come keep me company my first couple days in the new place if not I might ask D, I ran it by him before  and he said he'd see. He did however agree to help me move. yay. I had originally asked P quite some time ago, but apparently he forgot and he got tix to a show for his bday that falls the same time. oh well not much I can do. all i know is I am not staying alone til I'm comfortable. It helps I have spent time down there already cleaning and stuff. cant get any creepier then when its totally empty and theres no blinds up... lol me and my weird fear of windows on the ground floor.... I dunno always feels like I'm being watched.

I can't wait to have the beast back. My babies will be with me again....those would be my computer, my electric  and acoustic guitars and if I can fix it my keyboard.... and for those of you that have attempted to get me to be musical around you this doesn't change anything I still dont like playing or anything in front of people.  Lol such a lie.

I play with my aunt and sometimes her band, IO belt out tunes at the top of my lungs just not into a mic. Except Hootenany weekend in which case I got up belted out tunes with my cousin, my ex, my aunts bf and my cousins husband and whoever else. and  when I wasnt singing I was up on the haywagon shaking my ass lol its true... i think somewhere there is video proof of all of these things. Oh and the night I went out with my boys drinking. drank and drank then went for breakfast and then sat at Steves and Gilbert deliberatly screwed up songs that I love so I would sing, so eventually I just gave in and sang cuz I figure what the hell and if its terrible maybe they will leave me alone.  I'm still due to sing with my aunts band, though I cant see it happening cuz I dunno I think my cousins husband would be pretty harsh, and hes been added to the group.

hehe look at all that randomness, I just paused and glimpsed it all over and realize its way off topic....hahah go me I guess ill stop now.  I still have to find a way home tomorrow might be one of my last retreats for awhile.

 Here I sit,

to think a bit

how I hate...

I hate the way you smell,

and the way it lingers so.

I hate the feel of you,

and the way you make me feel.

I hate your touch,

and the goosebumps on my skin.

I hate the thought of you,

and that you're all I think about.

I hate that I miss you,

and that I wish you missed me.

I hate the memories,

and the fact I want to make more.

I hate that I watch you sleep.

and the way the smile creeps to your lips.

I hate the passionate kisses,

and how I can still feel them when you're gone.

I hate these feelings,

and knowing their not shared.

Most of all

I hate that I love you,

even though you're not true.

BC Jan'08

Just a wee piece that I wrote tonight first piece in a long time be gentle lol.

So to those who know me, you know I have a fear of physically falling, scares the crap out of me and I need to break it, need some ideas here people. But to those who know me really well you could probably say the fear of falling is not just physical but pyschological as well. I really don't know if I have a fear of falling in love, I like to be open about emotions and feelings that I have and I really like when other people are as honest.  Sometimes they are sometimes they aren't, sometimes I think that they believe they are but really they aren't... I know sounds stupid eh? but think about it and tell me if theres ever been a time that you have said I'm not falling in love with a person etc etc. and then once they are gone for whatever reason you have an epiphany?  lol I guess this was brought on by a discussion with a customer on how her now fiance used to be her best friend and she told him fo 7 months she loved him, and he always said it would never happen, so she finally left moved away and what does her best friend realize? He loves her seems he was in denial all the time when telling her it would never happen, more trying to convince himself....

I guess I'm just having a melancholy moment,  yesterday I spent the evening with a friend, a friend I like more than a friend and whom I have uh intimate relations with lol. He's been pretty stressed or whatever lately, havent seen him too much, so set up a cuddle time, against my better judgement lol. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed every moment of it and I'm pretty sure it did him some good as well. But well its hard to maintain the front.  I mean I can sit here and pretend I don't love him and carry on as before, just being there for sex and a cuddle, but it's almost getting time I need more or I need nothing at all, know what I mean?  It's getting harder each time I go to his place and think about the other women he has no doubt had there, and how little I must mean to him. It's even harder when he asks me something along the lines of How is it I believe that when he sees me he doesnt fall a little further?   because I say apparently you have no issue forgetting me once I'm gone and you just spring back to where you were before.  It's not hell like it is for me, because each time he does something little and would mean nothing to most people it means something to me and its one more endearing thing one more reason to love, one more thing I have to try and forget once I leave his embrace. Because outside of his place or mine its much like I dont exist.  I get one night of comfort and happiness and feeling special so that I can go home and have a week or two of sadness, knowing that at some point he'll want to see me again but not because he loves me.  Then I spend that time away from him trying to talk myself into not caring and not wanting to see him. Only to then when we talk end up going to see him. It's a vicious cycle.

I've tried going out on dates with other people and hanging with other people but nothing clicks. There is just something about him and only him that I can't get out of my mind or my system.  I hate that I subject myself to self torture knowing its all going nowhere. I hate myself when after I leave him and I'm sitting here or somewhere and all I can smell is that scent that is distinctly his and when I do I smile and remember the night with him.  I hate it when after he stays with me in my bed and then I'm in it alone and my blankets still smell like him and I cuddle with that scent and fall asleep with a smile lingering on my lips, remembering the passionate kisses we shared while laying here. 

 I hate that everytime I have a really hot shower I think of the time he pulled me in fully clothed and kissed me so passionately. Or everytime I spend time in the living room I think about the fun we had there, and the time he came to visit and napped with his head in my lap because he was up with me when he should have been sleeping before work. and Kraft dinner dont get me started, stupid that when I make it I think of spending time at his place and having candlelit kd shared on the same plate and laughingly thrown at each other. Or how even after I made an attempt to cut him totally out of my life he still calls me and talks about all the things that are bugging me. How he didnt let me cut him loose.

How I would be willing to do pretty much anything as long as he was there, like trying to break the fear of falling or flying. lol or how we talked about taking some interesting pictures and have them developed to hang on his walls, oh wouldnt people just love that. and you know what I'd do it to. not like me but I would. so basically I hate myself for loving him.  anyway thats my rant on that.

Lovers Brandi

bwahahahaha so I just got home, and i think the first thing was I decided that I was gonna have a brandi day which means I dressed much like I used to before I kinda started caring what everyone thought.  So I think my mom was happy to see I was back lol.

I love my random outfits and style, and like I said normally I dont care what people think, so I think I will go back to that.

Then when I got home, I found there is home made wine, this could be fun lol maybe a little later I will taste test it.

Then moms man says look what I bought and proceeds to show me a new gun... Yay I'm in love. Bwahahah its a nice little shotty for deer hunting, has a replacable barrel one for deer hunting and one for duck....12 gauge....definetly gonna see about some target practice tomorrow.  Nothing like blowing apart some targets to make a girl feel better.

Haven't shot a gun since partridge season but I'm def gonna have some me and my gun time tomorrow. Maybe I'll take the 22 out tomorrow.  Def better than a FPS except of course in FPS I get to pick on people when I kill them and that makes brandi happy. And of course the obvious thing is that I would never shoot someone I liek just target practice.

And I think mom is letting me brind the Raven Acoutic up to  the apartment yayness. and of course I will be bringing beast (my jag) but its hard to have an electric in an apartment. Oh and I need to Fix my Keyboard then I think I will bring that too... and my clarinet needs to be recorked. bleh maybe I will just get a new one but I love this one so much.

maybe mom will be nice and let me take out the 3 wheeler tomorrow if I'm brave enough to get on the damn thing since it and I apparently have issues, works fine for everyone else but every time i get on it the stupid electric start doesnt work i get off and someone else gets on and it works fine. stupid thing, but it cant win because i can still pull it over good thing I have muscles

Hmmm so lastnight I was rather upset. A friend of mine made plans with me to come over for dinner, maybe a few drinks and a movie, and some Brandi Help to attempt to help me bring my self image up out of the gutter. 

So before I went to bed after the plans were made I left that friend a message that said ok doll I'll see you tomorrow.   Didnt see said friend all day so called while on my lunch and left a reminder hey um ya whats going on remember pork chops thawing dinner. get back to me either call me or message me via msn..... so end of the day comes and I get home only to find I lost my glasses or more aptly I threw them out in my haste to catch the bus, they were saved however.... so I sit here and I wait and I wait, hopeing maybe just maybe I'll get a call at least as some semblance of courtesy.

Nope, so I decided I cant hold off cooking anymore, so I proceed to cook pork chops in a nice mushroom soup mix in the oven and make a pasta sidekick with brocolli and cheese.  I place another call, dont remember if I left a message doesn't seem to matter at this point. It's quite obvious he's not showing.

Granted he just did the worst thing to piss me off it is my one true pet peeve do not make plans with me if you can't keep them or better yet if you dont want to keep them. I FUCKIN HATE IT OK! I'm sorry its just that simple.  I have been sick as a dog, I have broken down on my way to said plans with any number of my friends, I always call and let them know whats going on and I do absolutely everything in my power to keep the plans.   I don't break them without good reason.

But apparently it is a quality many people lack, yet you know what if I were to do the same thing to them....they'd be pissed too. I know it they know it they just might not admit it. Admit it you know I'm right.  

I'm doing my best to not be pissed but I'm sorry... I forgot? what the hell is that please if you are  going to bail on me think up something good like Gigantic purple aliens with three eyes and big fucking guns abducted me and held me hostage while some hot chick ravaged me is better than i forgot because either way its pretty damn likely your lying.  I'm curious how you forgot when I left you a message on msn when you went to bed...at your place and I know you check that shit?

Better yet come tell me to my face you forgot. because I can guarantee you cant do it with out looking away.

So ya lastnight I was in quite the mood not only was I pissed because oh look I'm not good enough or important enough to remember or notify.  oh and then how bout the fact that I was upset and fuckin cried because this friend means much to me and for him to do something like this just really seems to tell me where I stand. I'm sorry your forgettable... priceless. Thank you my self image has successfully sunk deeper because of this.  And then do you apologize? no better to see if you see me in person.....you know what a temporary until i see you apology would have been great.  you want to apologize to my face you better make it fuckin spectacular for me to even agree to see you right now. 

But what can you expect I think Casual sex friends fall lower  on the ladder of friendship than regular friends.  Maybe its based on performance? and compared to all the other people that fuck friend is fucking at the time?  oh look last time she gave me a bj she moves up one rung, and this one didnt put any effort into it the last time she goes down a step...... hows that for a thought?

Y a I know its crass but this is not the first CSF I have had and from an observational point of view its true.  Sure your their friend and maybe they talk to you a bit but you know what, not too much the main time they want to see you is so you can come over, with the pretext of watching a movie then get it on like little rabbits, followed by your standard niceties and possibly depending on the friend a courtesy cuddle.  But come morning if your lucky enough to get to stay the night its all business. It's like being a hooker but not getting paid... yep I've sold my body but not for money I sold it for the hope of love... never happens though....anyway yeah I have probably offended anyone and everyone so I best shut up now.

Only thing I am trying to do at this point is forgive even if it doesnt seem like it.  Because I think to forget you need to forgive first. but what the hell do I know I'm the dumbass who gets myself in these situations to begin with

Sorry for the rant and if it did offend anyone I just needed to get it out of my system.

Brandi

Yes Yayness,  I know I'm not overly positive or happy most of the time but when I can see results to things I am doing it makes me feel much better about those things.  The thing thats making me feel pretty good today?  The eating healthy exercise thing.   When I started this venture I was at the 170-175 mark at most, pretty steady at 170.  Now granted Im not as overjoyed as I could be, because for the past year I have successfully lost and kept off approx 60 lbs thats a big feat for me, being as I am used to falling in the 130 range of things, hence why I'm not happy with the way I am now regardless of how many people think i look great or tell me that I do.  Because I know contrary to popular belief that I have been much smaller than I am now,  I used to wear size 7 jeans and small medium tops, mind you things up top have grown quite alot lol so I expect my tops to fall in a large at least. and I was that size for a long time, but needless to say me and Depo provera didnt get along and it is my belief it made me gain weight, because back them I did way more than I do now and ate healthy,  I'm talking biking, swimming, any sport that was available, walking, dancing everythng lol and I gained weight even though my diet and exercise did not change except for getting more exercise and eating less....go figure.  I don't eat junk for the most part, I just dont like it never have.   needless to say I gained weight and have struggled with it ever since. And we of course are well aware of my not eating habits that have made me lose 60lbs,  So I'm pretty happy because I'm eating somewhat healthy, I'm not consistently eating 3 meals a day but I am eating everyday which is more than before. and I am taking vitamins and I am exercising besides walking. My musles hurt like I have been trying to pull a mac truck around behind me but it feels good because I know eventually it will go away.  And the good news?  I've lost approx 3-5lbs in approx the last i dunno 3-5 days. so yay me lets see where it goes from here

now how was that for a random title.  Not much to report in Brandi land.  New apartment is available in less than a week and I have started the panic mode.  Will I have enough money? amd I gonna be able to get my things moved... you know all that fun stuff. And of course the Dreaded first nights alone lol. I'm trying to talk my friend RB to keeping me company, we shall see how that goes.

And of course I'm like weeeeeeeee and wanna move in now!

And I have come up with a good possibility for a tat and another one is in the works for the inside of my wrists. we shall see need to get my artistic friends on it... clover, rose 13 we shall see.....

finally caught up on ctrl+alt+del and thinking about overtime this week. but been kinda pushing it off cuz the ear infection messing with me, and i still have to wear one headphone at work off. and I have been forgetting the drops and remembering the antibiotics too much. bleh silly me.

Oh and the eating things seems to be going ok. I was doing really well for a few days with 3 meals but after a few days i kinda cut it down again not on purpose, its just so easy to revert. I'm trying though.  And good news is apparently jsut my walking alone burns more calories then i consume on a daily basis. anyway yeah tired sleep.

later dayz Brandi