So I'm doing better, no crying but I think thats just cuz everyone hasn't really left me alone theres been people in and out of here for days. Had drinks here with the neighbours heather, unc rick and dan.  After we had our drinks D came to visit and we had more drinks then sat around listening to tunes.  D decided its about time the beast got cleaned up. He leveled my comp, cleaned the heatsink and fan, then formatted my hard drive and reinstalled pretty much everything.  He updated most things too its great, good to have friends.... yes I could have done it but he offered lol.  Then D and I lazed around all day and mom and gary brought me my tv and some of my boxes.  Only they didnt actually bring me my tv they brought a different one...this wouldnt normally be an issue but it only has a coax jack so apparently I have to get a converter thing....think I'll just ask D to hook it up....lol.  After mom brought my stuff and a brief visit me and D continued to laze around until I decided to cook us some mcmuccins....mcdonalds trademarked mcmuffin this is our word for it.  Pretty tasty d had to coax me to eat 2 of them... I ate one and a half...good stuff.  Talked to my friend and found there will be a showing tonight for my friends and then a service tomorrow so I have to talk to work and see what I can do. Cuz I really need to go. Apartment is coming together... working on it slowly. but not too bad. anyway gotta get ready to walk to work bleh

So came home and was prepping the place so D and S could come move stuff for me. and my mom calls......she tells me to sit down and my mom never tells me that unless its really bad. Sitting on my brand new kitchen floor cold and clean I come to find out that two very dear friends, my family have been taken from me, and I sat there and cried mom not knowing how to comfort me through the distance. And everything just starts to come crashing down, how the hell did these two people who were always there for me who fed me and let me stay at their place and teased me for crushing on their son my good friend, full of laughter and always there if I needed something be taken away. and then all the precariously stacked blocks of stress start to tumble. How my place isnt done and things arent moved and I'm taking up the space at my uncles and I feel so helpless. You think I would be used to it losing those close and important to me but no I'm not I can't bear this anymore. I'm so stressed and upset and all I want right now is someone to hug me and make me feel like its safe. and I'm alone, isolated few friends or family here and noone who knows how much this hurts. At least having D here for a few helped for a bit. and he gave me a good hug before he left so that was good. Just talked to R a bit gave him a bit of hell for ditching me this weekend. But he says he'll come visit soon maybe, I dont have alot of faith in anyone right now. Says he'll give me hugs when he sees me.... believe that when I see it.. I dunno how I'm gonna make it through work tomorrow. I had been thinking about these friends lately and the other night I was out walking and as I walked down the deserted main street I looked to the West where their house is and thought I should go up there and see them.... that was a night or two ago...and I have no idea if I would have found them dead or alive or maybe in a bad situation. My mom says she's glad I didnt follow that instinct this time. but I feel so bad, Its that kind of hurt when you dont get to say good bye and tell them you love them. and I remember the things I didnt get done, like taking aunt wen a puzzle of a wolf and an indian girl to sit down and do together so we could hang it up. I couldnt even slow down to take the time to do that! What the hell kind of friend am I? and then it seems like what does it matter. their gone now and its over. I just dont know I need someone and have noone... think ill go try and keep busy.

lovers Brandi

Prob be all quiet on here and facebook for like 3 days eh. No blogging nothing. but it will be a nice change.... other types of radio silence apparently I'm bad for not truly knowing an apparent friend...but I cant say I wont take at least some of the blame, but I have tried to learn but its pretty fuckin hard when they seem disinterested ,....hey if I wanted that I'd go talk to a stranger....sadly they would seem more interested and concerned tahn this friend. think thats pretty fuckin sad....I know more about people at work that I see Alot less than him.... if it offended him because I have the balls to say hey you know its cming down to I think i dont really know you. might wanna change that but whats do i know....anyway

So methinks that after work I'm prob gonna tour down home for 2 days. Gives the guys alot of time to finish the ceramic floor and the odds and ends.Plus gotta go harass R. Almost having withdrawals from his smart ass and our insane conversations that people prob really wouldn't understand. I advised him I'd be coming home those two days and that afterwards I would promptly be stealing him to come back with me lol. Yah I'm bossy. thats the brandiness... bah same people in my building have been doing laundry for like 4-5 hours argh wish they would hurry up so maybe I can have clean clothes to go down home in. This blows... ahh i wanted to go to bed at like 10 again...guess thats not happening...

Decided today I was gonna pierce my lip. so i picked alcohol, peroxide and a needle and a ring and when i got home from work, I iced my lip and then just pierced it was a practically painless experience other than when i went to put the ring in that was a bitch and took longer than the actual piercing. That was I'm guessing about an hour ago and it doesn't hurt... no swelling and i am able to move it freely and actually can play with it... good job me. left side maybe do the right side later on.... haha wonder what R will think... was gonna get his sis to do it but I think better for me to do it on my own.... will post a pic as soon as the damn cam quits being a pain

not the best quality photos but you get the idea

So today the guys came to do more work on the floors. And we got talking and they were asking about my curtains (or what will be) and I was telling them about how I sew. So one of the guys said I should start a business of it. So we got talking about it. And the one guy said that once they move into their new place might call me to come check the windows and do an estimate. So looks like I might have a job on the side. And Jk asked me to make her a tutu but not charging except for the material. oh and the guy also has an old school milk container that he would like handpainted so I told him I could do it but need to first see if one of my friends can sandblast it first. I should do some more work. Been slacking off. need to mac tack the cupboards and make my curtains. Not to mention do my coop home work hope i didnt fuck that up. We shall see. So living room floor is down good stuff so spent the first night in my place last night. I was telling D and he was saying we should have some drinks so I told him to come on up he could keep me company that first night. So he brought us some drinks and we sat around just carrying on and being foolish having some drinks. Played with the beast and added some new programs. D hung one of my heart danglies for me and then he wrote on my dry erase board that said welcome home and added and have a nice day :p. So D stayed over and we pretty much just lazed around all day in bed except while I was puking my guts out. gah never again on an empty stomach. Tried to steal his hoodie but he got it back dammit. anyway im off to do something i dunno what yet but something.....

Lovers Brandi

Yessss woooooo. I officially have living room floor and oh oh get this I am actually on my own computer on my own internet in my own place. have like a year of updates to do on my comp but omg how I missed the beast. I'm so happy right now I dunno if I can be pried away from my comp..... my living room looks amazing and if my bedroom looks as good in the living room as it will in my actual room im in love. I tacked up the plaid fabric that I am using for the living room curtains and it looks awesome... curatins should look amazing once I sew them lol..... argh neighbour upstairs turning his music up.... looks like I spoke to soon he's been being so good and him and my uncle got into it tonight and my unc might have a broken nose.... crazy people. I think I will sleep down here tonight amazing ill have a real bed yayness... i should go shower lol ...anyway

lovers Brandi

Yep  got bored and decided to go down home again.  Rolled into town at about 6:30 and went to my grandparents and had a tea. They teased me about my new bf....argh lol.  So I waited til about 7 to call R since he had been having a nap when I talked to him last.  We joked around and grampy kept throwing in his two cents. So I asked R if he wanted to go for a walk.... nope  well did ya wanan do something ya sure come on up.  So headed up to his place, watched some tv had a smoke then R kept disappearing upstairs and then was on the comp and E asked if I was staying so I told him had to talk to his bro. I asked R if he wanted me to go and he said well im going out....ok nice...argh... so start putting my boots on, and R is like when are ya bringing your couch and stuff down I dunno hopefully tomorrow.... well I'll come and help ya. and I was like why...*I was a bit pissy at this point* and he said cuz you need the help and I was like whatever hes like well ill come help.... fine but we are leaving at like 8 am and you may have to wait for your mom to come back to town... thats ok. Alright so I guess I'll stay and hang out with E until you get back.

So E and I played guitar hero and laughed our asses off. Talked about a few things.. like how apparently E's mom is trying to match make R and I lol.... at least someone is on my side lmao... so E and I went for a smoke and were talking about some stuff and I told him I dont even think his bro knows about what I was telling him... so we ame back in and played some more then E went to make us coffee and he took forever and I went downstairs and he was asleep on the couch.... so I turned everything off and curled up in the chair.

Fell asleep and wanda woke up at some point and told me I should go to E's bed and I was like no R can have it if he comes back. so she grabbed me a blanket...good thing i was freezing. So fell back asleep woke a few times and still no R... hmmmm so got up at like 7:30 had a coffee and then went outside to wait for my ride.... still no R... WTF argh so ended up going to belleville alone... was not pleased.... Havent talked to R all day. but he's still alive... must be sick of me lol.... whatever I'm so paying him back.

Sunday was relatively uneventful, we hung out for awile I then went over to ashes, because I asked R if he just wanted some time away from me since I didn't want to wear out my welcome he told me I couldn't lol and he has enough alone time... but I went anyway and had a shower and helped ash clean house so was gone for about 4 hours.  Got back in time for dinner, had homemade chinese mmmmmm sprouts.

R seemed a wee bit distant so I just chilled on the couch watchin tv, wrote a bit hence all this blogging, because i was starting to feel like a dumbass. Because although I am fairly sure R likes me he seems to still have an emotional attachment to his ex. but I don't care I'm happy being friends feels almost like old times now.  I missed hanging out with him and just doing whatever. 

So anyway I asked what was up he said he couldnt sleep but told me I should try and get some rest... so I tried but I couldn't I'd doze and then wake up.  So eventually I gave up.  R came into the living room and we started talking having some philosophical coversation.  Seems he has alot on his mind, and apparently there are things he wants me to know just not yet? I'm not sure if its good or bad but we shall see.  He tormented me a bit saying his mom had noticed something and all this. then told me he was just picking on me.

Eventually R came over and got on the couch with me covered me all up and we laid there kinda talking kinda watching tv.. by this time no chance of getting sleep.  So R laid there had on my side and kinda rubbing my leg, my one leg started hurting so he rubbed it and almost put me to sleep. and had it so I didnt want to get up at 4:30 so pushed it til about 4:50 gave him hell like if you had done that a few hours ago I prob would have fell asleep lol. to which he said well i shouldnt have anything to do with how well you sleep.... true but rub my back or my leg and it relaxes me so I'll sleep.

So anyway I had to get up so I made him get up and have a smoke with me, and he was all like here let me put your stuff in the truck I wouldnt let him lol. not used to someone doing that or holding doors and stuff lol. So then went in with W and laughed and joked a bit about me staying at her place. Told her I think I gained 10 lbs just from being there.

Then we went to work always fun lol.

So Saturday I played with R's little man a bit. Kept putting off showering cuz wold have to go to the cuz's house and I didn't feel the urge to particularily leave yet... Well gary and dan made up my mind when I got a call to move so I told R and we both got ready. Hopped in the van and off we went to ashes and loaded my bed,  I endured terrible pestering all day from the guys R joining in. argh him so I gave him a couple swats and he just laughed at me.

Then off to moms to load some odds and ends and grab a coffee.  Chat for a bit and then head out. Off to belleville.....get to Belleville, I didnt have to move a damn thing just held the door open... got everythig. and I was gonna stay in Belleville, but I found myself making excuses to go back to des....um i forgot to give ash back her clothes and I need my belt other wise I cant wear any of my pants..... so I mentioned something to R and he's like well mom has to come in tomorrow anyway just come back and stay at my place.  Haha just what I wanted.  So we hopped in the van endured some more tormenting. Moved a bed for another friend. Headed out and grabbed some coffees.  Gary dropped R and I off at his place.  So I think it was spagetti night and W loaded me up a huge plate and I was like dear god I hope you don't expect me to eat it all. Also tried homemade wonton soup it was delish.

R and I watched some more movies, the doors and something else, the second one neither of us were really into I kept falling asleep on him and he was dozing to so I laid down and he went to sit in the chair to try and watch the movie, fell asleep and slept there all night.  Let me sleep in.   Woke up and hung out with his little guys some more... I also kinda called into work ... i know im bad lol.